How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays

 

And just like that the Holidays are here! You’ve heard me say it before, but it bears repeating… The holidays are a great time of joy, but also stressful, so get ready… Prepare yourself! With the holidays so close, I thought it would be a good time to talk about how to set boundaries. Amazing that many people don’t really know how to so, here’s a little tutorial.

Boundary Setting 101

Boundaries are about creating rules of how you work. How you interact. What’s acceptable and what’s not. Kind of like a social safe word (Zamboni! =). Boundaries are about YOUR Actions, in relation to someone else’s. You aren’t telling someone else what to do, you are telling them what you are going to do. I call it an If / Then statement. When you declare your boundaries, make them short & clear. "If you continue to yell at me, then our conversation is over.” “If you do that again, then our time together is done.” “If you talk to your mother that way one more time, then you will be grounded.” Or something like this… “This isn’t what I expect from a friendship, I hate that it got this negative. I think it’s best that I take a break & take some space.” “I hear what you’re saying, that’s not how I work. I’m going to leave now to take a minute to cool off. When I come back we can start this conversation again.” “Would you like to say that to me a different way? I don’t appreciate being talked to like that.” (If it continues) “I told you that I didn’t like being talked to in that way. Our conversation is done. I'm going to get a manager.”

(or one I used just the other day…) “I already said no thank you several times, if you ask me that one more time this meeting is over.” (After several times being asked to do something) “I really appreciate the invite, but no thank you. Please don’t ask me again.” “I asked you not to put more food on my plate. I’d appreciate it if you would stop. I can get it myself. Thank you.”

Notice…

There are no should’s… You should, they should, etc. Don’t “should” all over yourself! Boundaries are statements about what you are going to do. You are not debating or asking for permission. You do not seek validation. You’re not begging. You are making a declaration. These can be IF/THEN statement. IF you do this, THEN this is what I’m going to do. …Or it could be a “THIS IS WHAT I’M GOING TO DO” statement. Setting your boundary is not about making someone else do something, it’s about knowing, communicating and doing what YOU are going to do. That’s a profound difference to recognize. Make sure you don’t confuse trying to ‘make’ someone do something with knowing and declaring what YOU are going to do and then do it. However, here’s a bit of…

Caution!

Don’t make empty threats. Make declarations that you intend to follow through with. Be sure to back up what you say with your actions. If you tactfully and clearly communicate reasonable boundaries, and those boundaries are not respected, then simply do what you told them the consequence would be. If you tell your kid that they will be grounded if they continue, (and they continue their behavior), then simply do what you told them you’d do. Don’t get caught up in a debate with them (keep in mind I’m not saying that you don’t necessarily negotiate first or give chances with them before this. I’m saying that when it’s time to set strong boundaries, and you do, then follow through.). Now that you know the format, go practice it!

The Gift…

This is a time when we give gifts to people we love. So, with that sentiment, here's my FREE Conflict Communication Course - Just Say This: https://www.peacewalker.org/say